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The strange world of professional footballers’ websites

From the strange to the spectacular to the sad, let us enter the world of footballers on the internet …

This is the daddy. The gold standard. The most remarkable piece of internet architecture you’re ever likely to see. Well, sort of. It’s certainly quite strange. Soundtracked by what sounds very much like the hip-hop option for a demo on a Casio keyboard, complete with inspirational pseudo-rap by the man himself, KPBoateng.com is not quite so much a website as a virtual tour of a ludicrously opulent house, possibly Kevin’s, in which the subject is seen casually draped across assorted preposterous sofas, sunbeds and chairs. When he isn’t relaxing he’s doing keepy-uppies in the kitchen, which as anyone’s mum will tell you is inevitably going to end in calamity. We do see him cooking though – something involving a sauce, best guess is an arrabiata or similar, but that’s pure speculation. The walls of this virtual home are decorated with Banksy rip-offs and, of course, enormous pictures of Boateng himself. There’s another picture of our host on an easel. The house also features a floodlit five-a-side football pitch, indoors. At one point KPB strolls along an elevated walkway and suddenly shoots into the air like a badly-tattooed Superman. On another elevated walkway (because why have just one elevated walkway when you can have loads?), he moonwalks.

Everything happened just as he had dreamed. Barça will be in the quarter-finals of the Champions League. It was a perfect night, where Tito’s boys showed its best. And Milan succumbed.

Right now at 12.45am I sit in the car parked outside in the local shopping centre car park . A quiet night not feeling at all like October , there’s barely a hint of wind in the air and the temperature strangely not that cold at all. I think about how busy this area will be in a few hours when the hustle and bustle of everyday life kicks in around 8am for the people of my home town Knowle but for now its almost too quiet … Tapping away on my ipad screen the sound of my fingertips are the only thing audible as I contemplate my plans for the rest of the week.

Everyone is in bed I suspect, asleep and preparing for the next day but I feel quite awake having just popped out of the house to find myself something cool to drink. (Not alcohol!) I made the mistake of having a nap at around 7pm and waking to watch what was a decent film in “The rules of engagement” starring Samuel L Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones…
I think about my Grandad who has been ill lately back in Jamaica and anticipate the opportunity of flying out to visit him and my family out there, will need to make arrangements. It’s also a good time to think about getting my heating serviced in preparation for winter.

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