The Fiver | The most top, top, top footballer in the world

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It was a busy old night at football’s leading backslappery bash in Paris, reader. Folk who get angry on social media disgraces about which footballer has the “sickest tekkers” took to their bedrooms to watch the Ballon d’Or awards, the annual jamboree in which footballers squeeze into ill-fitting suits and pretend to be happy for rival players who rank higher than them in the voting to determine, playground-style, who are the most top, top, top footballers in the world. In case you haven’t heard, Megan Rapinoe won the women’s shiny gold gong for the first time, and Lionel Messi won the men’s for a record sixth time. Confirmation then, that old people are better than young people.

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