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The Fiver | The hunt for José Mourinho

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When José Mourinho announced on Saturday that he was the victim of “a manhunt”, The Fiver couldn’t help but conjure up an image of one of the more grizzled, senior journalists at that weekly Big Anti-Manchester United Bias Meeting We’re Not Allowed To Talk About gathering his colleagues around. “Alright, listen up ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is four miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at 15 miles. Your fugitive’s name is Mr José Mourinho. Go get him.”

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