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The Fiver | Signs on the toilet doors of pubs that have ideas above their station

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Many things confuse The Fiver, the latest on the ever-increasing list of which are the signs on the toilet doors of pubs that have ideas above their station (seriously what’s wrong with this and this? Why do we have to choose between two basically identical penguins, or a pistol and a lawnmower, or ET and the Alien queen? When The Fiver needs to go, The Fiver needs to go, not wrestle with some fairly fundamental lifestyle questions before tentatively nudging open a door and waiting for the shouting to start). Anyway, the Premier League at the moment is a particularly confusing place. Leicester are top, Chelsea are two points from the relegation zone, up is down, north is south and, most confusingly of all, Olivier Giroud scored a hat-trick in midweek.

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