The Fiver | Hungover champions and miserably attended laps of honour

In today’s Fiver: TV scheduling woes, a China crisis, weird food habits and cash

Every time The Fiver puts the finishing touches to yet another biting satirical tea-time take on the day’s football, it prefers to celebrate by charging round the office in a manner evocative of Craig Beattie’s deranged dash around Hampden after the Hearts forward’s winning penalty against the Queen’s Celtic in 2012; knees pumping high, shirt twirling above the head and security hovering nearby, ready to pounce if there’s even the slightest hint of a belt being unbuckled. Luckily The Fiver’s been ignoring Weird Uncle Fiver’s suggestions about how to freshen up the act, though, so there hasn’t been a stern chat with anyone from HR. Yet. And anyway, why should they get involved? Nothing wrong with a lap of honour as a way of toasting a job done with all the competence and enthusiasm of Theresa May meeting a member of the public.

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