The Fiver | Bored by the monotony and venality of life as a professional athlete

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Taxi Driver is a 1976 movie about an unstable Vietnam veteran who gradually becomes overwhelmed by the complexity and venality of life in New York and decides, in true all-American tradition, that the best way to restore order is to go and shoot someone. It's considered a classic film but no sequel has ever been made. Until now. Taxi Passenger is a 2014 romp about an unreliable Premier League footballer who regularly becomes bored by the monotony and venality of life as a professional athlete and decides, in true Nicklas Bendtner tradition, that the best way to restore his reputation is to go make an utter galoot of himself.

According to the Danish newspaper BT, the events that gave rise to the grim farce occurred in Copenhagen on Tuesday night. It seems that moments after Bendtner's Arsenal team-mates finished fighting unsuccessfully for their Big Cup lives against Bayern Munich, Bendtner and other chums began fighting unsuccessfully with a stationary vehicle. We say fighting, but what Bendtner is actually alleged to have done is unbutton his trousers and rub himself against a taxi before whipping it with his belt and calling the driver a "little wh0re", which might have been considered k1nky if Bendtner, who last November was cautioned by police following a violent misunderstanding with a door, had invited the car to dinner beforehand or perhaps serenaded it a little. Alas, it seems the preliminaries were rather less romantic.

"They were pretty drunk," said the owner of the wronged cab about Bendtner and the player's pals. "I got out of the car to put the bike stand on the back of the cab, and Bendtner and two of the others climbed into the back seat. When I sat back down I saw that the taxi radio had been kicked loose and was dangling down. They'd also taken some of my personal belongings that had been lying between the seats and, when I asked to have them back, Bendtner completely freaked out. He said that, if he was not so famous, he would have smacked me, and he called me a 'little fat pig'. I asked him to leave the car – I had to ask them three times, and said I'd have to call the police if they didn't." It was then that things are alleged to have taken a turn for the weird. "He stood at the back of the car and rubbed up against the side window after unbuttoning his pants while he whipped the cab with his belt and shouted he wanted to '[eff] me'," explained the driver. "I've had drunks and alcoholics in my cab in Copenhagen over the last 25 years, but I've never experienced anything like this."

Arsenal are investigating the report and Bendtner has yet to make any public comment on the matter so, for the time being, let us refer back to what Bendtner said in an interview with another Danish organ, Jyllands-Posten, earlier this month. "I have, for example, talked to clubs who say they have heard this or that story about me," gurgled Bendtner back then. "So I have to tell them that is not true. Of all the things that I have been associated with, I have only done one thing wrong and that was in Copenhagen [an arrest for drink driving]. Regardless of this, I have, bit by bit, in people's eyes been made into a psychopath." Perhaps we should treat reports about Bendtner with scepticism. And, indeed, comments from Bendtner.


Join Scott Murray from 6pm GMT for a Big Vase clockwatch, while Paul Doyle will be on hand at 8pm GMT for MBM coverage of Tottenham 1-2 Benfica.


"The referee mocked Paul [Robinson] about the scoreline. It's totally unacceptable. When my skipper is fighting the way he does, the fans are turning up to watch, and I'm working hard as I am to keep us in the league and you get mocked, it is unacceptable. This is people's livelihoods. You can't have that" – Birmingham manager Lee Clark reveals why he gave it the full Ketsbaia after Federico Macheda's face-saving late equaliser against Burnley.


"If Mesut Özil is suffering from umlaut-knack (yesterday's Fiver), it might be kind to rest the umlaut and refer to him as Oezil for a few weeks? I noticed that Fifa has already decided to take this approach. Then again, Fifa appears to be suffering from accent-knack generally, possibly brought on by knocking out their webpages on an old typewriter" – Robert Minchin.

"It would appear that after his close encounter with a taxi, Nicklas Bendtner is a fan of JG Ballad's Crash. I'm looking forward to him recreating other vignettes from the great man's oeuvre, especially his 1970 work The Atrocity Exhibition. A title which sums Bendtner up perfectly" – Matt Emerson.

"I was shocked and surprised to see that an idea generated by the Fiver (or more specifically, its readers), namely the proposed Phillipa Suarez/Glenn Leete hot date in Monaco trying out every seat in the Stade Louis II Stadium (Fiver letters passim), has been adopted by the (it's safe to assume) less photogenic coupling of Messrs Savage and Shearer, who are doing a copycat exercise at Wembley for Sport Relief. Can the Fiver not sue for copyright, or at the very least get a cut of the proceeds and let Suarez and Leete have a rare old time of it while in Monte Carlo?" – Gary Brenner.

"May I express my concern for Ryan Slattery (yesterday's Fiver letters) who seemed extremely upset about not getting chosen for letter o' the day. Having said that, can I be the first of 1,057 to point out to him that his metaphor regarding the lottery is erroneous since, if the winning selection was purely a game of luck, the quality in his letter or lack thereof would have little bearing on whether he won the prize. Though given the Fiver's sense of humour, he may after all be completely correct" – James Taylor (and no others).

"Do you actually have any copies of Falling for Football or are you going to keep rolling over the prize ad infinitum as some sort of letter-attracting Ponzi scheme?" – Tom Brazear.

• Send your letters to And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winners of our letters o' the day are: Robert Minchin and Matt Emerson, who each win a copy of the very enjoyable Falling for Football, courtesy of the kind gents at Magic Spongers. We'll have another copy to win on Friday.


We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.


AKING NEWS … Eric Cantona has been arrested and cautioned after reports of an assault in London … BRE

Bayern Munich president Uli Hoeness has been sentenced to three-and-a-half years for tax evasion amounting to £22.7m.

Manchester City assistant Ruben Cousillas reckons Sergio Agüero's hamstring-ouch in the Big Cup defeat to Barcelona was just a hamstring-strum. "Apparently it's nothing serious. He felt some kind of pain in his muscle, so [taking him off] was a precaution. We are doing some tests."

Arsenal's knack-inspectors are still eyeing Mesut Özil's leg. "He's out, I don't know how long for," diagnosed Arsène Wenger. "It's a hamstring [-twang]. The scans are ongoing." It means Wenger could give Championship Manager's Kim Kallstrom a run out in the north London derby. Tonton Zola Moukoko still unregistered we assume …

Alan Pardew says he's seeking advice on how not to nut opposition players. "I've spoken to the LMA about maybe some management consultant issues that I could look at that might help," he said, using his head for the right reasons. "I just want to reiterate my apologies."

And Nasty Leeds are fine, absolutely fine, there's nothing at all to worry about, says managing director David Haigh. "I keep hearing these whispers, where people have put two and two together to make 550 … The club is in good hands."


Another proud day for the Premier League's no-nonsense, so-robust-it-stings "owners and directors test" – Proper Journalism's David Conn reveals how it took one look at Carson Yeung with his previous criminal conviction for financial crime, and waved him right on through.

Michael Cox picks his way through Arsenal and Manchester City's European pretensions and works out what went wrong. Almost everything, it turns out.

A comment from Lord Ferg made the world wonder how 'top, top' $tevie Mbe really is. Ken Early knows the answer in this piece from Eight by Eight magazine.

The Rumour Mill has fallen in love again after taking a shine to impossibly handsome Italian Claudio Marchisio. It can only end in tears.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.


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