The Fiver | Ancestral spirits communicating through the medium of sea shells

In today’s Fiver: Afcon 2017 semis, the Brexit white paper and a 100 club

The Fiver’s African cousin, Token Representative, has tipped off the mother organ to news that a popular traditional healer near Johannesburg has been trying to muscle in on The Fiver’s territory. “I don’t know much about football,” boasted 85-year-old Nozo Zintoyinto this week in an obvious pitch to our readership. “But since this Afcon thing started, lots of men have been coming to me … they ask me to predict the results of games.” The two key differences between Ms Zintoyinto and The Fiver is that her forecasts are based on messages communicated to her by ancestral spirits through the medium of sea shells, whereas our forecasts are based on visitations summoned by Purple Tin; and punters follow her advice. Word is those punters have been richly rewarded so far as she claims to have predicted the early eliminations of Ivory Coast and Senegal. Naturally, everyone now wants to know who she’s tipping to win the tournament. “The spirits are showing me players dressed in red,” she has ventured. “They are celebrating. They have light skins. They are not black Africans.” Blimey, is there no end to the exploits of Lincoln City?

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