Saudi scheme shows Fifa remains the world’s most expensive laundry service | Marina Hyde

Gianni Infantino’s nonsensical insistence that Fifa is non-political continues the work of his predecessor, Sepp Blatter

If only Fifa had a vice president in charge of delivering that classic line of movie cliche: “You don’t know who you’re dealing with!” I would settle for this chap – it probably would be a chap, let’s face it – being paid £450,000 a year, with an annual package including a Lexus, a black Amex, and 280 expensable escort encounters.

Having said that, if Zurich wanted to break the habit of a lifetime and do the same job on the cheap, they could just get someone to show Gianni Infantino the bit in Blade II where Wesley Snipes goes: “You obviously … do not know … who … you … are … fucking with.” Or maybe the bit in Crocodile Dundee where some smalltime villain pulls a bonesaw on Paul Hogan, and he has to get out his bonesaw and say “Nah mate, that’s not a bonesaw. This is a bonesaw.” (I may have misremembered some of the weaponry; the 80s was yonks ago.) Anyway, the Fifa executive should show these simple film clips on a loop, each time saying “this, but for the Saudis”, until the Fifa president dimly grasped it.

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