Football transfer rumours: Manchester United to sign Romelu Lukaku?

Today’s guff is launching a world record bid for a new swingometer

The Mill has a recurring nightmare in which it shares an apartment with José Mourinho. In this ghastly vision Mourinho wakes up early every morning and goes to the bathroom. Then he stays sitting on the toilet for the entire day. The Mill’s frantic banging on the bathroom door is an epic symphony to his ears. The Mill ends up messing itself. Mourinho looks in the mirror and smirks. He is a champion again.

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