Football transfer rumours: Chelsea target James Rodríguez move?

Today’s rumours gonna draxx them sklounst

Poor Alexis Sánchez. Not only has he tolerated three seasons of incompetence along with half a season of spooky dog banners, but now he’s had enough, Arsenal have suddenly decided they’re no longer Manchester City’s feeder club. More generally, they refuse to sell to a rival – a rival for what is unclear – and that, of course, is a principle more important than the basic right of a human being to live and work wherever the hell they want. As such, Sánchez may be forced to join Bayern Munich, who actually thrash Arsenal more often than City; just as well they are not in next season’s Champions League.

Meanwhile, in west London moves are also afoot. Presumably because humans have an irresistible urge to ruin nice things, Antonio Conte is keen to introduce James Rodrí­guez to London’s nightlife by way of a contract to play for Chelsea. Though his side’s disciplined, high-energy game is unlikely to suit the Colombian, he is quite famous. This has no doubt endeared him to the football purist and obsessive that is Roman Abramovich, whose childlike enthusiasm for the game is just like that of a little boy, rushing on Sunny D and Gazprom. Anyway, Real Madrid bought Rodrí­guez for £63m, and though he’s spent the last three years doing a lot of nothing, the European champions have decided they’re due a profit on the basis that they want one. So they calculated his worth using a complicated algorithm which, by amazing coincidence, set his price at £70m, the nearest bigger round number. Using a complicated algorithm of his own, Conte has told them to sling it.

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